Friday, June 27, 2014

Maybe Someday Hopefully

Life. The greatest question of them all. Am I doing what I am supposed to? Am I a good person?

Answers will be different for those questions from everyone who knows me or tells the world they know me.

What do I do? Should I care that hate is so intense from some people?

I do my damnedest to treat people the way I want to be treated. I do my hardest to be kind and considerate of all. But it is just so hard to keep that smile on your face when inside you are so twisted up.

Sure, I know that being bipolar makes me feel this way. A lot of the time. But it is so hard when hate is thrown at you from ones you love. Why is it so easy to hate?

What about the human race today makes them be so consumed with feeling hate? Why isn't there more love and understanding?

The word family does not mean the same as it did when I was a kid. Then you saw kids love their parents and parents love their kids. Families spent time together and took care of each other.

Maybe it is partly because we have been abused so much by those who we loved that I see a different side to it at this age. But being family means absolutely nothing anymore. Blood doesn't mean they will care if you need them.

Loyalty is something that is hard to find in this world where children hate their parents, the kids they go to school with and just about everyone else.

In a tweet I posted Life is a conundrum, one that seems to get more complicated each day. Keep your head up, a smile on your face & there will be an end to it. Maybe.

The maybe at the end says it all. And this is not just my bipolar screwed up head speaking. Maybe someday people will remember who they love. Maybe someday they will remember who sat up nights and cared for them. Maybe someday they will realize their hate is eating them alive and they will fight back.


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

My Bad

Such a screwed up world. And they say I have problems, because I am bipolar. Seriously world?

When did it become okay to do stupid, moronic things as long as you say "my bad"?

Driving through town the other day a guy ran us off the road simply because he wasn't paying attention. His response to a near car accident was to wave his hand and say "my bad". No dude it is not okay to be an irresponsible moron as long as you say that.

It is not okay world. Take responsibility for your actions.

We sat around trying to figure out when this stupid habit started? What generation began their "my bad" phase?

Seems it coincides with the show Breaking Bad became popular. A show that glamorized the cooking of meth. It just befuddles me how this could have happened. I know it was just a television show, but to a lot of the millions of fans of the show it was a step by step on how to live that life.

And they think weed smokers are the problem. It is the "my bad" generation that is doing harm.

Stop the nonsense people. Stop the insanity. Stop telling us bipolar people we are the crazy ones.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Day of Pain, Day of Confusion, Day to Scream

It is the end of the weekend, was a beautiful day with the visit from a dear friend. But my head is so filled with thoughts going 500 different directions all at the same time.

There are things in life that give me pause and make me want to go out to scream at the moon. Sure the neighbors would probably all come out and I'm sure someone would call the law. But it would give me a release to a lot of the pressure that is building up within.

First of all when did it become okay to do something stupid and simply give the hand in the air with a "My bad"? Guess what idiots, my bad does not allow you to do ignorant things. This world needs to start taking responsibility for their actions.

That puts me back in the place where I want to scream. I have realized that the news I was recently told was merely another way to hurt me and that makes me want to scream. The world is full of ignorant, rude people who bump into, pull out in front of you, and just literally get in your way. And for no reason.

Yes, I feel pain. Yes, I cry. Does the person who spread their news care? No. And that is something I have to live with. Hate is a powerful emotion.

That simple four letter word has caused more harm than so many other things. I watched a woman that I admired and loved as a child become a brooding hateful shrew of a woman because of those four little letters.

And in my life I have had hate thrown at me from people who truly have no idea what they are talking about. Do I hate them? No, I feel sorry for them.

People that hate and I mean really hate are sad, sad people. I would rather spend my times in other endeavors than in hating someone. Sure I have people in my life who should be hated, but again I feel sorry for them.

In a conversation Heather and I were just having about how things stick in your mind. Like the day you find out you are pregnant, the day you get married, you know stuff like that. But our conversation was about how certain songs just stick in your head. Billy Ray Cyrus, "Ackky Breaky Heart" was playing on the iPod which made us start talking.

That made me remember the one and only time my Dad ever said to my face that he was "bust my buttons proud" of me. It was at a rodeo and I was one of the teens from our Saddle Club handing out trophies. I was standing in a long evening dress (pale blue gingham print with lace) knee deep in the mud with my heels completely stuck. That moment he said he was proud.

Funny, life is damn funny.
It remains to be seen whether I will go out and scream at the moon.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Happy Birthday Daddy, You Are Gone But Not Forgotten

This is a solemn and meaningful day for me. I adore the summer soltice, seriously who doesn't love the longest day of the year?

But this was Daddy's birthday, he never wanted anything. He never asked for presents and as a kid we couldn't always get things so that made it easy. Mama would fix a special dinner, Grandma would cook one of her famous (and awful) stovetop cakes, and we would tell him how much we loved him.

One birthday was different. It was the birthday I got to tell him he would be a grandpa for the first time. He was beyond overjoyed and we all were ecstatic.

Life for my new little family was on the brink of happening and it was the most beautiful day ever. The days I found out I was pregnant were almost as glorious as the days they all came into this world.

I am a proud Mama and only wish that Daddy had lived long enough to look eye to eye with Cole and see what kind of people the kids grew up (and growing up to be).

So Happy Birthday Daddy, I feel you are looking down on me each day. I hope I am making you proud. Love you and miss you terribly.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Family? Just WTF is that?

Here I sit still in a state of confusion. It was a long night as usual because my mind doesn't seem to have an off switch.

I want to scream at times because I wish things in life were different. No, I love my life and I love my family. It is just that when I was a kid I imagined having all my kids near me and being Grandma was the next step after becoming a Mama. Yet, it is true we never get what we want.

So we must learn to just accept that and go on. But you still find yourselves asking if I would have or if they would have, if this would have been different if that would have been different.

It is the what ifs that drive us crazy. And I am having a what if day.

Probably because this month is so meaningful to me. Starts with my birthday, the anniversary to our first date, Mama and Daddy's anniversary, the day we told everyone we wanted to get married, Daddy's birthday and the day I found out I was truly pregnant with our first born.

So June is a big month for my emotionally, and being a Gemini well that just intensifies things. LOL

My family is truly more than I could have ever dreamed. My kids all turned out beautiful and when you are pregnant there are moments when you fear having that ugly baby.

You know the one when people hold it up for you and it is so homely it makes you flinch. Seriously, we have all seen those. Even though no one ever thinks their baby is ugly.

We had an time years ago when Lynn's dad was still alive. A good friend of ours brought his little girl (a toddler) to see us on the farm. Lynn's dad was sitting on the porch as she came running up.

Poor old fool that he was, he was at times brutally honest. His first words were, "My god that kid looks just like a monkey."

Now the sad part is that her little round ears did indeed make her chimplike. But try to recoup the situation after a remark like that, it is impossible.

So many years have passed since we first went on that date, so many memories, both good and bad. But love has surpassed all the bad and kept us strong. We have fought over the years, because it is human nature to fuss with the ones close to you. Still we have never involved outsiders in any of those fights.

We have been around people who did involve everyone around them, called the law on each other and even worse.

Those who pull the law into an argument really should be thinking more clearly. Are they so incompatible that the law must separate them? If so then what is the point?

For all the people who have told them to call the law, REALLY? When an argument reaches that point it is down right abuse and separate yourself immediately.

Do not start telling me about spousal abuse, I get that. IT is the most awful thing to see one person so horridly abuse another that it needs legal intervention. I am talking about those couples who are just spiteful against one another they bring the law to situations that are not warranting legal.

The "oh I was afraid for my life" when  someone merely pushes you out of their face and was just mad at you. Like you were mad at them. Then this places less value to the ones who really need legal aid in domestic situations.

So all I am saying is if you fight then keep it to yourselves and get it over with. You don't need the entire neighborhood, the law or anyone else involved. You are adults.

Boy this month has had me ranting about many different things. Emotional month is over half over and well then we go into other memories, probably other rants.

I will end this with one last ranting statement. If my parents were alive they would be devastated at the state of affairs with what they knew as family. I am sorry mama and daddy this is just how life has turned out.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Wild Animal Pets Rant From A Mother

I see these pics all the time. And I have had enough with the "aww I wish I had one". So here is my rant to release from my head.

And I personally took these pictures at a friend's home, the kid is my cousin Justin and the tiger was a cub being home raised for an animal park (Buena Vista).

We even owned a baby cougar at one time. But these are wild animals people don't forget that.

Just as the CHIMPANZEE, Sammy, that was raised as a baby by a local wealthy man in West Plains (and still lives just off the square in that town), they are not pets.

That chimp attacked and viciously bit Heather when she was little.

I HATE MONKEYS of all kinds sorry world, but they are horrible. And please people remember these are beautiful WILD animals not something you want.

It makes me sick to my stomach whenever I read the Facebook posts from people in West Plains talking of all the sweet memories with Sammy. They had better be thankful they don't have our memories of the horrid creature.

And for the business man who we had to fight to make him pay her doctor bills, Karma is a bitch. Sammy bit his finger off.

Life is funny, but karma never forgets and she is a man bitch.

Confusion, Conundrum, and Sadness

Just a quick question to the world. What do you say to something that is supposed to make you very happy and instead leaves you feeling confused?

I mean if someone told you some awesome news, but the someone had told you that they would rather consider you gone as in probably dead than to think about you. How would you react? My stomach hurts from the confusion. I do not know what to feel.

Does anyone else know what this feels like? Have you dealt with these sort of issues?

Should I jump up and down in joy or cry because things are not the best?

Why tell someone great news when you don't really care if they know or not? Is that not just inhuman behavior?

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Daily Life Being Bipolar

In my day things are not always what others go through. I deal with multiple things and it is an effort to grip the 'cliff' of sanity that my fingers are perched upon every moment of each day.

The rest of world takes their sanity for granted and it is a shame, because that is a gift they have no idea they are getting. For those of us who don't have the same mental stance we know there is a gift in sanity.

One of the biggest problems for someone like me is that so many who do not see bipolar as a problem. They feel it is a made up disorder. I wish it was something I could just get over, but I can't.

When I had my first anxiety attack as a kid, it was devastating. My heart beat so hard I thought I would die and I felt so lost. So alone, I was only 5 and I had no idea what was wrong with me. It was terrifying.

Then as my parents hid the fact I had manic depression, I was diagnosed long before the term bipolar was ever even thought about, it was more difficult knowing that people thought I could just get over it.

I suffer every day from the thoughts that there are those who think I can just get over it.

Sad thing is I also have fibromyalgia which is another disorder that people can't see. So I still heard the words, "You want to be sick."

Seriously? Who wants to be sick? To all those who have said this, I say poo poo on you.

My life is what it is, difficult. I struggle each day, but I go on.

To those who just want to tell me things or say things just to hurt me. I say you will be the one to pay for the hurt you think you are causing in the end.

Live, laugh, love and stop trying to harm others. If you don't want someone in your life well that is your choice. If you want to just be evil and still spout mean things, well no one can stop you.

Being bipolar is not easy. Some of us have to work harder to just maintain. You need to stop being mean and realize life is hard.

Young Love and Parental Permission

So this has been one heck of a day. First, it would have been Mama and Daddy's anniversary had they lived. Second, it was the day in 1980 that Lynn and I told our families we wanted to get married.

Sure we had only been dating since June 6 and we were so young. I had just turned 18 and Lynn was 16. Yet, I knew this was what my destiny was and I loved him so much.

Telling my parents was difficult, I told my mom first and begged her to tell daddy for me. She adamantly refused and said if I thought I was big enough to get married then I was big enough to tell my dad.

It didn't go real well, he quickly replied. "I will lock you in the closet and I will beat his ass every time he comes down this road."

My tearful reply was, "I'm 18 I can get married if I want to and the closet doesn't have a lock." Which brought this from my dad, "If I put you in the damn closet, you will stay in the closet."

More tears from me and a begging plea brought my dad sort of around. Then it was time to tell Lynn's parents.

OMG. I was not ready for that. His parents were not happy at all. To quote his mother, "You will not marry HER! No way, no how. I will forbid it."

Even after Lynn furiously fought with them, all we got in response was. "Till the day I die I would make your life miserable if you marry her. Listen to me and I will see to it things are always easy."

I was devastated and Lynn was so mad, I don't think I had ever seen anyone so mad.

The song by MAGIC! called Rude seemed to be written about us.

Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life?
Say yes, say yes
'Cause I need to know
You say I'll "never get your blessings till the day I die
Tough luck my friend but the answer is no!"
Why you gotta be so rude?
Don't you know I'm human too?
Why you gotta be so rude?
I'm gonna marry her anyway
Marry that girl

But now to move on to the point of how we did marry and we married exactly 3 months from our first date. Lynn's dad met us at the car a few days later and said if we would drive him to the courthouse he would sign permission for us to get married.

You see Lynn's parents had gotten into a really bad argument, probably over money and he wanted to do anything that would piss her off. So as he signed the papers, he looked at us and said, "Boy this is gonna piss your mom off." Then he laughed so hard.

So an argument allowed us to get married. Sure we were just a couple of 'babies' that truly didn't know what marriage was about, but it was what we wanted.

Now life never was that bed of roses that you think getting married will bring. But we have made it and will continue to make it.

And even though they didn't want us to be together, we respected our parents in times they didn't deserve it. We never stayed away from them or held it against them for their feelings.

Even though it was 7 years before Lynn's parents stopped calling me HER, I still did my best to respect them and made Lynn go see them even when he didn't want to.

It was a futile effort though, it was years later but his mother finally threw us away and said she wanted nothing to do with us.

I tried though after Cole was born, I wanted him to know her. But she didn't care we made our visits and I tried to talk to her. Still in the end she wanted nothing to do with any of us.

For my parents, we had a lot of rocky times. But I never failed to call Mama everyday just to talk a minute or two. Even when she wanted to take my kids away because we had moved out of state to work.

She wanted to enact her Grandparent rights, just like a friend of hers had done. I begged her to not push that, because I wasn't keeping the kids away from her. She was just mad.

Life did get better before mine passed, but there were a lot of years of struggle.

Now as I look back so many years ago, I still would have gotten married. Because that was my destiny. But thank God I wasn't pregnant my parents would have went ballistic.

I am glad I am not like them completely, in the situation with out of wedlock pregnancy I know I can handle it different than they would have. I did. But a lot of good it did me.

So to the man of my heart, the partner I have shared so many years and children, I love you more now than I ever would have thought possible. You are my heart, my soul, my sanity, and my partner.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Smile Will It Kill You?

It has been a long day. Spent a long time in the DMV, which is never fun. But a necessary evil. The full moon's effects are beginning to loosen their grip on me. And the air is still a bit brisk with a nip at night, so things are feeling much better.

I still sit in awe at the world of social media as people seem to bitch and complain at a constant pace. Sure I know people are in pain and people suffer. But the truth is the one's doing the most complaining are generally not the ones in the most pain. Now don't get me wrong we all complain, it is just human nature to feel sorry for ourselves at times.

My problem is the way people tell everything on Facebook and Twitter.

I come from a time when you kept your dirty laundry at home and didn't share it with the world. No one had to hear who was pissed at who, you knew about it if it involved you otherwise it was kept quiet.

There is so much in this world we need to be talking about, but it seems the conversations are only meant to try and get others to feel sorry for us.

And the fighting that I see online is so absurd. If you do not like what someone says, don't look. If you do not like someone then don't be friends on Facebook.

So let us use our words to spread information and if we have a disagreement then talk like adults about it. But come on does the world really need to know you and someone else are fussing over small things? Spread information on helping others, spread information on protecting the youth, spread information on keeping our world alive, and spread love.

Just one smile a day can do more for others than millions of F U on Facebook.

Take away the power of social media to destroy lives. It was supposed to be a way to keep up with school things, then it began to be a way to keep up with loved ones from a far. Now it does more harm than good. Let us turn it back to a way to bring smiles, not suicidal thoughts.